When a Child Feels Different: Helping Them Build Confidence and Choose Healthy Friendships

By Team LyfSkills

“Is it strange that I don’t like football?”

A child may ask this while getting ready for school or sitting in the back seat on the way home. The question sounds casual, although football may have very little to do with it. Perhaps everyone played during the break and the child stood aside. Perhaps a classmate laughed at something they enjoy. They may really be asking, “Can I still belong if I am not like the others?”

Our first instinct as parents is reassurance: “Of course you are not strange.” It comes from the right place, though it can end the conversation before we hear what happened.

A better place to begin is, “What made you feel that way today?”

The answer helps us understand whether the child is dealing with a passing doubt, pressure within a friendship or an experience that is becoming harder to manage.

Start with what the child experienced

Children become increasingly aware of who gets invited, which games everyone knows and what the group considers cool. A comment that seems minor to an adult can stay with a child through the day.

Children also have genuinely different temperaments and interests. One prefers drawing while the rest of the group wants to play cricket. Another is quiet in class but very talkative with two close friends. A third enjoys dance but dislikes performing in front of an audience.

These differences usually become painful when a child starts hiding them to gain acceptance. They may stop carrying a favorite book, pretend to enjoy a game or agree with a friend simply to avoid being left out.

There is no need to persuade the child immediately that being different is wonderful. Begin by naming what you heard:

“You felt ignored when they changed the game.”

“You were worried they would laugh at your drawing.”

“You like spending time with them, but you do not enjoy how they speak to you.”

A child who feels accurately understood is more likely to keep talking.

Help them recognize a healthy friendship

Children often use “friend” for almost everyone they regularly meet. That makes it useful to talk about what friendship feels like rather than how many friends they have.

Friends can disagree, enjoy different things and spend time with other people. Watch what happens when the child says no, makes a mistake or asks to choose the activity. Can they relax around this person, or are they constantly trying to avoid doing the wrong thing?

Research involving 314 children aged seven to eleven found that children with a reciprocated best friendship reported better friendship quality and stronger identification with their peers. The findings also connected friendship reciprocity with self-worth. For a parent, the practical takeaway is that one or two mutual friendships may offer a child more security than approval from a large group.

Try discussing the relationship through questions such as:

“What happens when you and your friend want to do different things?”

“Can you tell this friend when something bothers you?”

“How do you usually feel after spending time together?”

These questions help a child pay attention to their own experience. They also avoid turning the conversation into an instruction about whom they should or should not like.

Listen before deciding what to do

When a child describes exclusion, many of us move quickly towards a solution. We consider calling another parent, speaking to the teacher or arranging a playdate. At other times, we tell the child to ignore it.

Before taking action, understand the incident and whether it has happened repeatedly. Then ask what the child wants from you. They may need advice, help involving an adult or simply a safe place to describe something embarrassing.

A parent could say:

“That sounds uncomfortable. Do you want me to listen, or should we think about what you could do?”

“Has this happened before?”

“What would make tomorrow a little easier?”

Sometimes a simple rehearsal helps. A younger child may practice saying, “I don’t like that,” or “I want to choose the game this time.” An older child may want help composing a message or deciding whether to sit with someone else.

Another setting can also give the child some breathing room. A theatre group, chess class or sports session brings children together through a shared interest. Look beyond whether your child performs well. Notice whether newcomers are included, how mistakes are handled and whether the child returns home wanting to go back.

Use stories when a direct conversation feels awkward

Children do not always want to discuss their own friendships. A story allows them to think about the same situation through somebody else.

In Jennifer Licate’s chapter book Am I Weird?, Eva enjoys art and crafts but feels different from girls who dress alike and prefer sportier activities. Their gossip leaves her wondering whether she needs to change. Through conversations with a supportive friend and her mother, Eva begins to see that she can be kind without giving up the interests that matter to her.

Jennifer Licate, author of Am I Weird?, describes the idea clearly: “She does not need to be friends with everyone to have confidence, she needs to choose healthy friendships.”

Parents, teachers and counsellors who want to continue the discussion can also refer to the accompanying Teacher and Counselor Activity Guide. It offers questions and activities connected with the situations in the book.

Know when an adult needs to step in

Ordinary disagreements give children practice in speaking up, apologizing and repairing relationships. Repeated humiliation, threats, deliberate isolation or online harassment require adult attention.

Also watch for changes away from the friendship itself. A child may begin avoiding school, sleeping poorly, complaining of frequent stomach aches or withdrawing from activities they previously enjoyed.

Write down what has happened and when. Speak with the class teacher or school counselor, sharing specific incidents rather than a general complaint that the child is unhappy. If the distress continues or begins affecting everyday life, seek guidance from a qualified professional.

The child should know that involving an adult is a sensible way to deal with a situation that has become difficult. It is not a failure to manage friendships independently.

Most children will still have days when they feel left out. What helps over time is knowing that they can tell us when something feels wrong, stay connected to interests they enjoy and notice which friendships allow them to be themselves.

We cannot make every friendship work for our children. We can make home a dependable place to return to while they learn which relationships deserve their effort.

Sources

Maunder, R. E. and Monks, C. P. “Friendships in middle childhood: Links to peer and school identification, and general self-worth.” British Journal of Developmental Psychology (2019). Read the study

American Academy of Pediatrics. “What Parents Can Do to Support Friendships.” Read the guidance

National Scientific Council on the Developing Child. “Supportive Relationships and Active Skill-Building Strengthen the Foundations of Resilience.” Read the working paper